"This quiet Japanese woman's confession to herself almost a thousand years ago tells us that the most important things begin so far inside we can hardly hear them ourselves at first. Or that we keep the most important things so tucked away that they barely have a chance to grow.
Somewhere along the way and often with good reason, we learn to fear putting our feelings out in the open, out in the weather of ordinary air, as if our small piece of love will die for exposure to the elements, as if our true feelings will not survive the gaze of others. Yet we all know so very well that without air nothing can grow. So what are we to do with our tiny little firefly? " - from "The BOOK of Awakening" by Mark Nepo
Going through this adoption, I find myself trying to "manage" my emotions; staying "even" keeled; but for what? For fear of any pain and suffering. For fear of things not working out. For fear that our sweet baby boy will never be ours. Fear Fear Fear. Today I'm choosing not to live in Fear. Today I'm choosing to put it out there . Parts of this week SUCKED! One evening in particular when USCIS (immigration) decided to pump fake me with a letter requesting more evidence. Evidence we have already sent to them. I thought we were receiving the last piece of the puzzle. I was so excited I ran upstairs and let Ken feel how hard my heart was beating. I knew then, at that very moment, that I love Liam so much and am over the moon so so so so excited to be his momma. Opening the letter and realizing it was not what I expected really through me into a dark place. It was a straight up pity party for Hope Mary Sweeney Caldwell on Wednesday night. Kenneth Grey was as supportive as he could be. He is absolutely my level head I need throughout this process. I thank God for him everyday.
But the great part of pity parties is they don't last. My little firefly pulled me up out of that place the next morning. I followed the light and woke up to "Eye of the Tiger" playing. It was a new day. I was determined to get the answers I needed. I blew up the phones at immigration until someone would speak to me. Got them what they needed and by Friday had our officer apologizing. Boom.
Adoption is no joke. It is an emotional process that requires a ton of patience, a wonderful support system, ability to be real with yourself, but most of all TRUST and FAITH. My firefly is shining today as I anticipate the mailman coming with our I-800A acceptance letter.
Baby Liam, we are coming for you!
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